Listen To Your Lover Partner Parents Kids

 

Consider a relationship or marriage, in which communications usually proceed along these lines:

Him: I don’t like living here.

Her: Well I do.

Him: We’ve lived in better places.

Her: Nothing as nice as this.

Months later, the “conversation” could have moved on to.

Him: I’ve seen a great property, at a great price.

Her: I don’t want to move.

Him: It’s all about you, isn’t it?

Her: What do you mean? You’re the one who wants to move, not me.

You can imagine this sort of exchange going on for months or even years. Eventually, it might reach the stage where the discussion is like this:

Him: Either we move, or I’m leaving you and going to live some place else.

Her: What, are you crazy?

Him: No I’m not crazy. You just don’t listen, so I’m making a stand.

Her: What’s got into you?

The important issue is not whether the house is nice or not; it’s about the fact that she (in this case) isn’t listening to her partner. She’s deaf! He keeps trying to tell her something important but she doesn’t want to hear.

Eventually he leaves home and she tells her friends:

Her: I kept telling him I didn’t want to move. He just wouldn’t listen.

Friend: I know what you mean. Men are just horrible at paying attention to what we have to say.

Her: He bottled things up. It ruined our relationship.

Friend: Never mind. You’re better off without him.

But she wasn’t happy without him. Her relationship was gone and she never found another one that had much meaning for her. Her friend got divorced and whines about men. She sure got the reality she was asking for…

This deplorable example is just meant to illustrate what often passes for communication or “discussion”. It’s not a gender thing. It’s a skills problem. People don’t know how to deal with others who don’t share their views in full.

So what should have happened?

She might have asked why he wasn’t happy in the present home. Let him get it off his chest, so she can understand his concerns. Of course, it’s only his opinion about the house. She thinks differently. But he’s just as entitled to his opinion as she is. That’s fundamental.

Also, there is no room for what we call “rightness”, meaning I’m right and therefore (by inference) you are WRONG!

What we have in this example is a conflict or problem. The anatomy of a problem is a need, plan or purpose, with a counter thrust that’s making it difficult or impossible to resolve in one direction or another.

I just picked a disagreement over where to live because it illustrates the point. You must listen when your partner has something to say, even if it makes you uncomfortable. The actual issue might be one partner trying to say: “You never listen to me” or “I don’t like sex anymore” or “I need a holiday…” whatever.

It’s just a kind of denial, if you are not willing to listen to what your partner is struggling to tell you. He or she isn’t going to think differently because you ignore their overtures. People are only going to work through problems, change their minds, or see things differently, if you talk openly and apply a little of the magic we call accord (see The Constellation of Accord)!

Useful hacks might be: “What would have to happen for you to consider moving house?”Asked over and over, with fresh answers each time, it’s capable of a great deal of shift in viewpoint.

Or: “What would your dream house or home be like?” The woman in this situation might realize she was being plain stubborn and there were many attractive options for where to live. Or he might hear something that would make him want to stay put!

Just two-way talk with respectful listening is the simplest and best tool for resolving conflicts and misunderstandings. Try it!

Copyright © 2019 Keith Scott-Mumby ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Test Yourself At The Bathroom Mirror

In a gloomy turn to his 2005 Stanford University commencement speech “How To Live Before You Die”, Jobs confessed to standing in front of the mirror and asking himself: If this was to be the last day of my life, would I still want to do what I’m about to do? If the answer is NO too many days in a row, then something has to change.

That could be expanded into asking yourself: am I happy to go on living the life I’ve got, without improvement, until the end of my days? Trouble is, quite a few people will settle, right there: it’s good enough to get by. Why should I care?

So are you a person who likes challenges and, given the tools, will go out and carve something marvelous to live by? If so, keep reading.

In Supernoetics® we have the ideas and techniques. But we can’t make you over from an “it’s good enough” person into an “I want more, MUCH MORE!” person. Only you are in charge of that!

Do Not Settle I Beg You

Is life passing you by? Do you feel, deep down inside, that there has to be something more, something better, to live for?

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT IF YOU HAD MORE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE, IT WOULD BE FAR MORE EXCITING TO LIVE IT? Being able to extract what you want from ANY situation, no matter how tough, is the real measure of success. How to meet life on its own terms, not just dreamland.

Do you believe that the most important thing in life is not about fame, sex, good looks or wealth; it’s about living the best life you are capable of? If so, I have a message you may be interested in.

Success isn’t about getting rich, climbing to the top of the corporate tree, getting famous, making yourself over to look like a movie star or finding the right relationship. Those are just tricks used to sell you products on TV and on the Internet. IT’S ABOUT LIVING THE BEST LIFE POSSIBLE.

It’s about transforming yourself to be the best a human being you can be! Ask yourself: what will be left in the world when you’re gone that you will be proud to have created?

You will have heard this (over and over): the formula for success (usually “instant” success) is work hard, pull a few stunts, shuck some suckers and get really rich. Thing is: IT ISN’T WORKING! Millions are striving at it. Yet the number of people who have succeeded using this formula you can count on your fingers: Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Bill Gates… That’s not enough to sustain a village, never mind a planet!

Instead, think of your life in another way: How do you want to be remembered? Just as a nice person who others were glad to know and felt lucky to have had you in their life? I mean, what’s so wrong with that as a lifetime outcome? It’s inspiring!

You have to be aware that people who are pushing riches and wealth as the ultimate life model are those who WANT YOUR MONEY for their plan, which is to get rich! They can teach you NOTHING about living your best life possible, because they are not on that path. Hey, most of these dudes (and some are women too) don’t care about living a good life or being nice to others, never mind that they have something to teach.

Thing is, we all know: life is sometimes going to hit you over the head with a brickbat. It’ll hurt. But you mustn’t let setbacks color your view of life. It isn’t all about setbacks. Good things will arrive too. You must be ready.

In the words of Steve Jobs, no less, you’ve got to find what you love. That’s how your life will sing! It’s as true for work as it is for lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be really satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to LOVE what you do. [Stanford University Commencement Speech, 2005]

Importantly, Jobs added that if you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. DON’T SETTLE. Settling is a tragedy that most people fall into. Keep looking and, as with all matters of the heart, you’ll know it when you find it.

How To Live Before You Die

In a gloomy turn to his 2005 commencement speech “How To Live Before You Die”, Jobs confessed to standing in front of the mirror and asking himself: If this was to be the last day of my life, would I still want to do what I’m about to do? If the answer is NO too many days in a row, then something has to change.

That could be expanded into asking yourself: am I happy to go on living the life I’ve got, without improvement, until the end of my days? Trouble is, quite a few people will settle, right there: it’s good enough to get by. Why should I care?

So are you a person who likes challenges and, given the tools, will go out and carve something marvelous to live by? If so, keep reading.

In Supernoetics® we have the ideas and techniques. But we can’t make you over from an “it’s good enough” person into an “I want more, MUCH MORE!” person. Only you are in charge of that!

The Most Important Thing In Your Life

Success isn’t about getting rich, climbing to the top of the corporate tree, getting famous, making yourself over to look like a movie star or finding the right relationship. Those are just tricks used to sell you products on TV and on the Internet. IT’S ABOUT LIVING THE BEST LIFE POSSIBLE.

It’s about transforming yourself to be the best a human being you can be! Ask yourself: what will be left in the world when you’re gone that you will be proud to have created?

You will have heard this (over and over): the formula for success (usually “instant” success) is work hard, pull a few stunts, shuck some suckers and get really rich.Thing is: IT ISN’T WORKING! Millions are striving at it. Yet the number of people who have succeeded using this formula you can count on your fingers: Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Bill Gates… That’s not enough to sustain a village, never mind a planet!

Instead, think of your life in another way: How do you want to be remembered? Just as a nice person who others were glad to know and felt lucky to have had you in their life? I mean, what’s so wrong with that as a lifetime outcome? It’s inspiring!

You have to be aware that people who are pushing riches and wealth as the ultimate life model are those who WANT YOUR MONEY for their plan, which is to get rich! That can teach you NOTHING about living your best life possible, because they are not on that path. Hey, most of these dudes (and some are women too) don’t care about living a good life or being nice to others, never mind that they have something to teach.

Thing is, we all know: life is sometimes going to hit you over the head with a brickbat. It’ll hurt. But you mustn’t let setbacks color your view of life. It isn’t all about setbacks. Good things will arrive too. You must be ready.

In the words of Steve Jobs, no less, you’ve got to find what you love. That’s how your life will sing! It’s as true for work as it is for lovers. “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be really satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to LOVE what you do.”  [Stanford University Commencement Speech, 2005]

Importantly, Jobs added that if you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. DON’T SETTLE. Settling is a tragedy that most people fall into. Keep looking and, as with all matters of the heart, you’ll know it when you find it.

Maybe you already did find it, when you came to this page?

Give Yourself Permission To Say NO

“We must say “no” to what, in our heart, we don’t want. We must say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say “no” to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else’s…”

― Suzette R. Hinton, author of The Sound Of My Life.

As a practising physician, I see a lot of misery and struggle, conflict and self-doubt. It can be quite dangerous, as I have written elsewhere. The person who tends to get cancer—the so-called “cancer personality”—is someone who gives little priority to self, is a people pleaser, self-effacing and overburdened with care for others.

Basically such a person has no life of their own; she (usually female) is so busy running around after other people, she has no time for her own needs and desires. Yet such a person will rarely complain. They bottle up their frustration and that’s what is dangerous. Stress has to come out some way or other. If it doesn’t come out with yelling and demanding attention, it just manifests in a different direction: typically a disease, such as blood pressure, heart attack, or the dreaded cancer.

Beware!

A little known study carried out some years ago looked at this issue and found certain women had a great deal of trouble saying “No”. Even if what was demanded was something she didn’t like, even hated, she would go ahead and comply anyway. But this is an act of injury against the self. It may be justified as duty or “helping others” but it is still an injurious willingness to ignore the self and its needs.

Saying NO reduces stress considerably!

The researchers took the typical cancer personality case and had the woman practice saying “No!” to things she didn’t like, and sticking to it. The results of this intervention were startling. The women who said NO (and meant it) lived many years longer, on average, than those who could not bring themselves to do it. Continue reading