Rehabilitating a lost love




The guru says:

There are few secrets more craved by the mass of people than the knowledge of how to heal a broken heart, or at least how to diminish the intense hurt of losing one’s love. The most painful episodes in our lives are those when we are suffering this crushing burden and cannot seem to find relief or respite from the distress. We use grief, rage, hatred, revenge, irrational hysteria and a whole host of negative emotions to try to get us through this time. Wouldn’t it be nicer to translate the whole experience into something worthy, something comforting and reassuring? The pain of loss is diminished if we could only take our love forward in our hearts and not be hurt by it. 

What follows is something radical to help in these times of distress. Psychotherapy, grieving and abreaction are all very well in time, when the unpleasant event is in the past. But while it is present and burning us, we need something very different.

The question is:  why not simply state clearly in your mind “this is a good experience. Something has dropped out of my life and i am ready to move forward without loss, prejudice or negativity”?

The answer is, as we all know, that it just wouldn’t stick! Your mind would reject this proposition as unsound, if not downright ridiculous!

But that’s all we want to achieve. So the $64,000 question is: “What if there is a way to condition your mind to accept the idea in such a manner that it would welcome it, warm to it, believe it and use it to dictate your subsequent feelings and actions?” Now that would be something special. In fact the whole world and your view of it would change. Because there is nothing intrinsic in the universe itself that feels as you do. The world of reality cares not a jot that your lover no longer communicates with you. Only your mind tells you that that event is something disastrous and painful; change that belief and there is no longer a problem.

You would feel happier, obviously. But you would be free to rejoice in the relationship that just ended, instead of moping around and regretting it.

Love will once again find a place!

Here’s How You Rehabilitate Lost Love

This is a version of a broader technique from Transformational Psychology called “Improving Inner Referencing Chatter”, applied specifically to love’s hurts. Referencing chatter is our term for the inner voice which nags away with words of pain and loss.

Write down any negative statement or attitude which is being heard internally as a description of the situation (“He’s gone!”, “She doesn’t love me any more”. “I’ll never find another like him/her”, “The pain is unbearable”, as it seems to the person. Their interpretation must be negative, otherwise he or she wouldn’t be suffering, so no candy floss.


You want the person to re-state their belief or postulate into a better idea. You might ask “THINK THIS THOUGHT AGAIN IN A MORE INSPIRING AND POSITIVE WAY” and get them to tell you it.

Check: “WHAT THOUGHTS OR CONTRADICTIONS WORK AGAINST THIS NEW BELIEF?” Immediately the person thinks something new, a whole host of thoughts will rush up to say “Oh no you don’t, that’s wrong…”. Strip them off by getting them stated. Repeat until no more negatives show up. When ready, ask: “CAN YOU NOW ACCEPT THE BETTER BELIEF?”

Repeat this over and over, looking for better and better interpretations of what he or she originally believed.


Ask him or her: “CAN YOU CARRY THIS NEW POSITIVE APPRECIATION FORWARD WITH YOU?  CAN YOU?” Demand of him or her: “MAKE IT YOUR OWN”. You will see doubt of fear. Look for new ideas and attitudes that underlie that. Keep cycling, 1- 6.

If there is any doubts, strip off new contradictions that are appearing. Then restate the positive and see if it sticks comfortably.

Find a new negative thought emanating from the situation and again tune it upwards using 1- 7.

You can consider it well handled when the person is able to hold the departed one in proper regard, has recovered their own sense of worth, and is able to offer wishes and blessings to the person they were raging against. Don’t be surprised at all if, when you have made progress, the departed lover suddenly reconnects and starts to communicate. When the psychic storm dies down, the alienated or estranged person often feels a change, even at the subconscious level. He or she wants to re-connect. It’s a little piece of magic, really.

Aspects of working:

You will find the person see-saws like crazy at first, seeing hope and a little brightness, then crashing down to the depths again as new disempowering notions are contacted. Just plug away. Every time you get a little piece of something helpful, some positive releasing thought, to stick in place, you improve him or her a little. It gets easier and easier as you go.

What matters is ONLY what turns off the pain and makes you feel whole again. Swallow your “rationality” and pride. If it feels good, it is good. Probably the main reason that this technique is blocked is the individual INSISTS on hanging onto negative thoughts “Say what you like but he’s a real bastard…” type chatter. If it feels less miserable to say “He’s beautiful, kind, gentle, considerate and I was lucky to be loved by such a person, even for a day..” say it – For Christ’s sake! Nobody else needs to know what you think. So why imprison yourself in thoughts that hurt?

That’s the main lesson to learn here. You are doing it to yourself. Well, stop it!

What you are looking for is a gradually improving state of mind. This is reflected in the reference phrases which surface. We’ve said it doesn’t work to say “I’m a god/dess”, “I feel no pain whatsoever” or “It’s all for the best. I create my own universe”. You may end up there, though this is not a goal to aim for. Feeling good again is the only goal. Always keep that in mind.

Each step forward places your foot in a place which can be seen from where you are; then a place which feels OK when looking from there; forward, forward, forward. If you make a big leap, using some daft or inappropriate cliché, your mind will reject it and you’ll fall back. Step by step you can climb a mountain.

You don’t have to wait until there is an irretrievable breakdown! Get to work right away on any crumbling relationship.

2 thoughts on “Rehabilitating a lost love

  1. Thank you for sharing the recommendations for TED and these writings you shared below those recommendations. They are all wonderful “gifts.”

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