Give Yourself Permission To Say NO

“We must say “no” to what, in our heart, we don’t want. We must say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say “no” to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else’s…”

― Suzette R. Hinton, author of The Sound Of My Life.

As a practising physician, I see a lot of misery and struggle, conflict and self-doubt. It can be quite dangerous, as I have written elsewhere. The person who tends to get cancer—the so-called “cancer personality”—is someone who gives little priority to self, is a people pleaser, self-effacing and overburdened with care for others.

Basically such a person has no life of their own; she (usually female) is so busy running around after other people, she has no time for her own needs and desires. Yet such a person will rarely complain. They bottle up their frustration and that’s what is dangerous. Stress has to come out some way or other. If it doesn’t come out with yelling and demanding attention, it just manifests in a different direction: typically a disease, such as blood pressure, heart attack, or the dreaded cancer.

Beware!

A little known study carried out some years ago looked at this issue and found certain women had a great deal of trouble saying “No”. Even if what was demanded was something she didn’t like, even hated, she would go ahead and comply anyway. But this is an act of injury against the self. It may be justified as duty or “helping others” but it is still an injurious willingness to ignore the self and its needs.

Saying NO reduces stress considerably!

The researchers took the typical cancer personality case and had the woman practice saying “No!” to things she didn’t like, and sticking to it. The results of this intervention were startling. The women who said NO (and meant it) lived many years longer, on average, than those who could not bring themselves to do it.

So for some people, saying “No” is a good start in creating a new and satisfying life. Are you a people pleaser? Do you have little time for yourself and your own needs?

Time to change. And make no mistake, you need to change, otherwise you may die before your time.

Don’t let fear of rejection rule your choices. Some women are afraid that saying NO would lead to rejection; that every time she says NO, she would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

But this is really letting other people’s opinion of you rule your own choices. Not good!

You need to know that the world won’t end if you say NO and someone gets mad at you.

“Men are expected to assert themselves and speak their mind; that’s what gives them status in our society,” says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of The Book of No. “They learn to say ‘no’ early on because if they don’t, they’re labeled wimps.”

Here’s a simple hack anybody can do. Take a sheet of paper or an index card and write on it I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO SAY NO TO: in big letters. Then start writing all the things that you need to start saying NO to.

Tasks you don’t like; routines that are not shared equally with others; things you find demeaning; things that are not really part of your inner world (football maybe, cars, beer swilling, TV programs, having the neighbors round for dinner, lewd topics or gossiping about others). It’s your list, you choose!

And that’s the key. You are choosing. You can even say YES once in a while. Providing you can say NO and stick to it, then saying YES is not nearly so hurtful. You have a choice.

When you can’t say NO, you’ve lost that power of choice. Do you see the difference?

If you can say NO, then saying YES is an act of love. You do it for the right reasons.

If you want to engage others (and you should) stick your list on the fridge door and make certain persons read it and acknowledge the new you! But you must stick to it! Being yelled at may not kill you. But I’ve explained that saying YES when you don’t mean to could. In fact yelling back has some power of healing. You are standing up for yourself. Just make sure you get rapidly beyond that stage and stand your ground courageously.

If the person who puts great demands on you says they love you, they shouldn’t mind you taking a stand. If he/she doesn’t really seem to love you, or won’t grant you the status to run your own life, then, well, what can I say?

Try the Supernoetics® Four Magic Questions to reduce or eliminate the conflicts. Or pack your bags and look stern! You may find the other person backs down for a change, instead of you.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Helpful Tips

Chantalle Blikman (tinybuddha.com) gives several helpful tips for saying No:

  1. Be direct, such as “No, I can’t” or “No, I don’t want to.”
  2. Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
  3. Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
  4. Remember that it is better to say NO now than be resentful later.
  5. Be polite, such as “Thank you for asking.”
  6. Practice saying NO. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
  7. Don’t say “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.

Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. If you don’t stand up for yourself you’ll just feel pathetic and/or guilty. It’s about setting boundaries, if you think about it. Melody Beattie, author of Beyond Codependency and more, explains that “guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people’s”.

Dr. Keith’s Experiment (Join In!)

What I’d like is all you wonderful people out there to help me out with a mass experiment. It’s easy and could change your life entirely. It could even SAVE your life, as I have explained.

I have prepared an “I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSSION TO SAY NO TO:” blank list. I want you all to download it, fill it out (start working on it, of course) and tell me what happens (email: info-at-supernoetics-dot-com).

The idea is that if you find this document a helpful lead, then I’ll print up some super “Say NO!” cards and get them out there in the world.

Your help could be valuable.

The Make It NOW Timeline Technique

The Make It NOW Timeline Technique (MINT)

The key to making the sweeping transformations that we have been able to accomplish in Supernoetics® piloting lies in our specialized handling of the timeline. It has simply been supposed that—since memory is the problem—we start by remembering things that troubled us. No! This is wrong.

We have to travel the timeline. See, just remembering 1953 (or “the time we were in Rome”, etc.) pushes 1953 back there, into history. It retreats from our grasp. Remembering creates a rift, the contrast of time-present and time-then.

But to BE THERE, in 1953, brings it right into the client’s face, right here, NOW! It’s rather like driving a car back to the year 1953, stepping out of the car and looking around. We ask the client: What do you see, feel, hear?

We can tell from the language used and the bodily expressions that the person is re-living or fully re-experiencing the moment and that is crucial to success. He or she becomes the roving journalist, reporting back to base!

The difference between the client doing this by chance, or actually making him or her perform, is the difference between abreaction therapies and piloting. There have been occasional successes and recoveries. Now, at last, we have a fully developed technique that can accomplish results time after time.

This “Make it NOW” approach was developed by me over two decades ago (I actually demonstrated it live on BBC Radio Manchester in 1981) but in recent years science has caught up. Researchers are speaking of the process of memory consolidation: the literal re-creating of memory, full on. And—surprise, surprise—they have found that memory is very plastic and moldable at that precise moment.

We can “adjust” the memory to suit… strip it of pain and hurt, emotional charges, irrationality, guilt etc.

Nothing does this stripping of charge better or faster than the use of DEEP processing, developed by Beer and Dane.

Positive Psychology Mainly Fails

I found a great piece over at NexusNewsFeed.com (link is below). It questions whether positive psychology is actually so “positive”. With affirmations “I’m rich,” or “I feel good,” are you not, in fact, telling yourself you are not rich or don’t feel good in yourself? I think so.

The Problem With Positive Psychology

Can you really solve all your problems with a smile? Can you find the strength to look at the beauty of this world when your mind is a mess?

Let’s take a look at the main recommendations that are supposed to shift your mindset toward positive thinking:

  • Remind yourself that you exist for a purpose and everything happens with a purpose.
  • You will achieve what you want if you visualize success.
  • You’ll do better without toxic people around you. They disturb your focus and transfer their negativity onto you.
  • A single quote on a beautiful background can trigger the good in you.
  • Your mind has the power to convert negative emotions into positive ones.
  • When you’re weak, you need a reminder to love yourself.
  • With a positive approach to life, you’ll be a happier, more harmonious person.

When you’re feeling a bit low, you can keep saying to yourself: “I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I have a purpose. People need me. I can make things happen.” This approach will convince you to turn the TV off, get off that couch, and do something with your life. However, when we’re talking about serious problems, positive psychology can’t help you solve them. In fact, this approach has a dark side: Instead of leading you to a solution, it enables you to keep ignoring your problems.

Positive psychology books are not complete nonsense. Your thoughts have an effect on your actions and your complete well-being. The approach — that’s the real problem. You can’t change your life by reading a book and repeating positive affirmations. Even the slightest personal change is a whole process. If we’re trying to change our whole mindset from a negative to an affirmative, we’re looking the greatest challenge of our lives right in the face.

https://nexusnewsfeed.com/article/consciousness/the-dark-side-of-always-thinking-positively

We do SHIFT (major transformation) in Supernoetics®. But it takes time and much deeper insight than the “think positive” idea: SelfHelpLaboratory.com

New Mind Modalities Revealed

In Supernoetics™ we are advanced beyond all competition. We have penetrated far deeper into the Kingdom Of The Mind than anyone else, including further than pretty hard-core research that’s out there!

While some are dividing the mind anatomically (right and left brain), we divide the mind functionally.

The Divided Brain

Following the work of UK psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist, we can now define right and left brain functions in different and more appropriate terms. The old right-brain-equals-emotions, left-brain-equals-rationality model is a non-starter, as I wrote many years ago. Both sides of the brain are involved in emotions; both sides of the brain are involved in linear function and rationality. We learned this from MRI scans. Real lateralized brain function is as follows: Continue reading

Is Power Your Thing?

Freud insisted that all human motivation was based on the sex drive.

His pupil, Dr. Alfred Adler, disagreed. He thought that mastery over others was the main drive in human affairs.

Interpersonal power is the capacity to influence others while resisting their influence over you. Dozens of books are written each year on how to gain control and mastery over others.

Professor David McClelland studied the power motive in thousands of subjects. He concluded that the will to power as a human necessity much like the need for recognition, achievement, or love. In the course of his extensive research he identified three characteristics of people with a high power drive:

  1. They act in vigorous and determined ways to exert their power
  2. they spend a lot of time thinking about ways to alter the behavior and thinking of others
  3. They care very much about their personal standing with others

If any of these characteristics sound like you, it might mean that you’re compulsive about having power over others. Take this quiz, which may provide some further insight into your motivation. Continue reading

Smooth versus Continuous

Here’s a great place to introduce one of the key concepts in all philosophy, math and science: Is the world a continuous sheet of reality, or is it broken into lumps, however small. Smooth vs. spotty, that’s the question?

It might seem a bit academic but actually it’s crucial to the way our mind works.

Numbers, for example, as spotty: there’s 1, there’s 2, there’s 11. They have gaps from one to the next. True, we can fill in a lot of the gap between 1 and 2, like 1.1, 1.2, 1.254, but we can never totally fill it in; just assign smaller and smaller fractional jumps. It’s spotty.

Space, on the other hand, is smooth. There are no breaks or missing sections of space. One part of space transitions without gaps to the next.

Digital means spotty; it’s yes-no all the way, no gradation. Whereas what we call analog is smooth. Take a timepiece. If it is a digital clock, it jumps, it’s spotty. If it’s an analog, it’s smooth—the hands go through an infinite number of shades from one reading to the next.

On the whole, our right brain works in a smooth way. It is spatial and continuous. The left brain is digital and character and therefore spotty. Counting numbers or spelling words, for example, are both spotty, click click click. Those are left brain functions.

But when we look at a picture or photograph, that’s an analog function. We see the picture all at once, not in lumps or chunks. Sure we can look at the tiny figure in the bottom left corner; but we are still conscious of the picture as a whole. That’s the right brain at work.

A human placed in society exhibits this same basic duality. An individual, considered alone, is spotty; we are all discreet individuals. But a human is not really alone; we are part of an interconnecting network of humanity and the even vaster biosphere and therefore smooth! Continue reading